Monday, February 23, 2009

I decided not to tell my friend I'm Gay.

so I have decided not to tell my friend that I'm gay. the other day we were downtown and I was seriously considering telling her but I chickened out. then later that day she started telling me about this guy who is gay and used to be her friend (he turned out to be something of a back stabber, and he was mad at her for not supporting gay marriage) so she was like marriage is for heterosexuals thats what God said and that the idea of two men together was gross. so I told her that I was not sure if gay marriage was wrong, but I decided not to tell her that I'm gay.
so I just thought I'd let you know that I will be putting up a new post in response to the last 2 comments I got soon.

Friday, February 13, 2009

How should I come out to my friend

so I would like to thank Rocky Gonzolez for his comment it helped me a lot. it made me seriously consider telling my best friend that I'm gay. so yesterday I had this strong feeling that I should tell her, and while I was feeling this my parents said they were going for a walk and would be gone for about an hour. shortly after they left my brother left to hang out with his friends leaving me all alone, it was the perfect time to call my friend and tell her that I'm gay. so I laid on my bed for a while with my heart pounding and a pit growing in my stomach as I seriously considered telling her. You should know that my friend is mormon too, and is kind of conservative, she supported McCain. she's has gay friends but they are not mormon. I think she will be fine with me being gay but since I am in the church it might be different. I don't know. also I wonder what is the best way to tell her, I was thinking that I could go for a walk find a secluded place in the park and call her and tell her, or should I tell her in person, we could go downtown to the botanical gardens and I could find a place there to tell her. also should I let her know a day or two before I tell her that there is something I need to tell her, or should I tell her without any hint.
After about a year of being friends we were on the subway and out of the blue she asked me if I had any secrets. I immediately thought that she must think that I might be gay. but I kept my cool and told her I didn't have any secrets. She has never asked me if I have a secret since then, and the only thing that she has said since then that could be interpreted as her thinking that I might be gay was about 4 months ago, I was talking to her on the phone and telling her about this really awesome hair product I had just bought. She laughed and said that it was funny that I was metro-sexual (men with a strong concern for their appearance). so I would appreciate any advice on how to come out to my friend. and if there are any questions anyone has for me I would love to answer them

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My struggle.

So I am mormon gay and in the closet. as you can imagine I have a lot of conflicting feelings. I love the church and its teachings, if I don't read my scriptures I feel empty, there is no other church like it. what I want is to marry another wonderful gay mormon and raise a family. I would not have sex till I am married to that man, however the church does not recognize gay marriage as marriage. and sex outside of marriage would result in excommunication. and if I was excommunicated I would not be able to go to the temple I would lose the priesthood and I would not make it to the celestial kingdom (the highest degree of heaven) I would be denied the presence of God and I would not be able to create my own world with my spouse like heavenly father has done with our world. one would have to deny that the church was true knowing that it is true to go to outerdarkness (more commonly known as hell) a place with only your regrets for company not a place of fire and brimstone. so marrying a man and having intercourse with him would not sentence me to hell. what is so hard with my position is that I am not sure if the churches position on gay marriage is right or wrong, they've been wrong about things before, denying blacks the priesthood and the practice of polygamy. but is the churches position on gay marriage one of those mistakes? I go back and forth on that issue never sure either way. with the other beliefs of the church I have known them to be right. I know with every fiber of my being that the church is true, but I don't know that with gay marriage. sometimes I think that I will be able to get married to a woman and raise a family, I am not repulsed by the thought of being with a woman but I am not attracted to them either. I try thinking sexual thoughts about women hoping that I will be aroused, but it doesn't work like when I think about men.
Another confusing thing is when I was little even though I liked wearing dresses pretending to be a princess and playing with barbies I do remember that barbie was very attractive, I even had Ken and barbie get naked together until my parents saw what I was doing and explained that I shouldn't do that. but at puberty at about age 12 I started noticing hot guys more and more, and liked looking at them very much (discreetly of course). so sometimes I wonder if I could go through gay therapy or something and be "turned straight." but I really want to be with a man and not a woman. and then I have fears that if I come out and look for a man that I will not be able to find that handsome good gay mormon boy who has similar interests, when I think of marrying a woman I don't have those fears, I'm sure there are a million mormon women who want to learn ballroom dancing and watch Masterpiece theatre.
There are several things that I hate about being in the closet when I am telling my friends about a guy who is good looking and they ask me what he looks like I want to say "He's Hot!" but I can say nothing of the sort, also it feels weird to call a girl hot, unless its a supermodel wearing practically nothing. It feels more natural to call a beautiful woman pretty or beautiful. there are many other things that I would like to do and say that I cannot.
I have heard of a group of mormons who are gay and lesbian that meet together for church in San Francisco, but I have looked for them online and not found them. if I was to come out I would go there. Now let me clarify that I love the leaders of the church and they do not hate homosexuals. the leaders of the church I do not think have thought much about gay marriage. before I knew I was gay I did not think much about it. Practicing homosexuality even if those involved were faithful to each other was just wrong and that was it.
I have looked in the bible and conference talks and discussions with the apostles and they don't give any really good reasons for denying gays marriage. if there was a good reason for homosexuality being wrong then I would remain selabet or find a way to get married with a woman. but in the bible it says those who practice homosexuality "shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them" ( leviticus 20:13), I know that God does not want homosexuals put to death and neither do the Church leaders. and I read this interview with one of the Apostles and one of the 70, but the interviewer asked easy questions and in my opinion when asked about polygamy he did not really answer the question and he never said that polygamy was ever wrong he said that it was a duty and that now the duty has been lifted ( here's the link for that interview ).
Since I don't have anyone I can tell this to the web is my outlet, writing this has helped me so much, getting it out of my head and on paper so to speak has helped me a lot I would appreciate comments that way I know that someone knows what I am going through. thanks!