Since my last post, my parents and I had a discussion about my views on gay marriage, and the possibility that I might do what is natural for me, get married to a man. my mom told me that no matter what I believe that if I did get a same sex marriage that I would not feel the spirit as strongly and that when I die I would be judged for disobeying the prophet. I know my mom loves me but to be honest to hear that hurt, it also made me doubt the feelings of peace I had received when I prayed to the Lord and expressed my knowledge of gay marriage as being good. so after this discussion I was in turmoil once again over what is right, and what is wrong. So as I always do when I am in turmoil over this subject I would try and imagine a happy relationship with a woman, and try and make myself think that I could learn to be attracted to a woman and be happy with her. After doing this for a while I said to myself "I can't believe I am still trying to change," I have been doing this for years and about a few months ago I realized that I would never change and finally accepted myself and the happiness that gay marriage can bring. but every once and a while I go back in to turmoil and I am always unhappy when that happens.
So this week my Aunt visited us and my mom asked if she and my father could tell her I was gay when they all went out to dinner downtown, my aunt was always fine with me dressing up in dresses when I was little and she is a very accepting person, so I told my mom that she could go ahead and tell her. when they were out having dinner I was really nervous, but she took it well and when they got back she told me she was glad that I am her nephew and that god never gives us more than we can handle. She couldn't say anything else on the subject because my brother was in the house, I love being open with my parents and am sad that I cannot be open with my brother. I have been reading some moho blogs, mostly Scot's and his wife's (they have really good insight), and I've been reading the scriptures every night, and I have also been reading "In Quiet Desperation" its about a gay mormon named Stuart who lived a celibate life and did every thing the church taught, he told his parents about his attraction and they were loving understanding and accepting. but eventually he couldn't stand to live through his struggle any longer and he shot himself in front of his stake center. the book also includes the stories of other gay mormon men who are helped by Stuart's parents. the book and the people in it are all promoting the churches stand on gay marriage, but with all their arguments for SSA as being our trial in this life, I see all the good gay mormons who are needlessly committing suicide because the struggle is too much for them. heavenly fathers wants us all to be the happiest we can be. these men are not happy, whenever I think to myself "I could be happy with a woman" there is such a conflict in my soul that makes me feel unhappy. whenever I think of falling in love with an amazing son of our heavenly father I feel an overwhelming happiness wash over me, when I question those feelings the feelings of turmoil return. I believe that heavenly father wants us to find that special someone whatever their gender may be and start a family and live happily ever after.
I am a gay in the closet 18 year old mormon who loves the church, but is conflicted over its teachings concerning homosexuality.
P.S. my name is not Garet, but I think it is a way cool name! maybe I will name one of my future children Garet. I hope you like my blog!