Saturday, April 18, 2009

I finaly talked to my older brother about it

so a few days after I came out to my best friend (lets call her Amy), my older brother (lets call him Zane) who has been going to BYU and knows I'm gay but we have never talked about it called me. when I talked to Amy on general conference sunday she advised me to talk to him about me being gay.
I never told Zane that I was gay, this is how he found out. back when I was 15 I started looking at shirtless photo's of men which unfortunately led to gay porn. Never having done something bad on the computer before I did not think to erase the history. my dad found the websites.
So one night just after I had got in bed, my dad comes in and sits on the foot of my bed and says that he found some gay porn websites on the history of the computer, he then asked if it was possibly me and that I might be homosexual. as you can imagine I became super tense the room suddenly seemed to be 100 deg and I had an endless pit in my stomach. I admitted that I had visited the websites, he then told my that he and my mom loved me and would help me get through this ect and he left my room.
so a while later when my mom was on the main floor, I went down to the basement and used Zane's computer to visit a website that had pictures of shirtless of hot male singers actors and models. so not porn but a website no straight male would go to. any way Zane found the website told my dad, who then told Zane that I was gay and it must have been me. so thats how my older brother found out. and we had never talked about it ever. so when he called me a few days after this general conference sunday I was like, "you know I'm gay right?" he answered that he knew, and so I proceeded to tell him that I had told Amy and her reaction to the news. so it was nice to finally talk to him about it for the first time.
I am sad that we have to keep my little brother in the dark about my orientation but at least the rest of my family is loving and accepting.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I came out to my friend.

so last Saturday we were going to go see Duplicity, and I was planning on telling her on our way there, but she ended up having to work that night. so an hour or two before she was going to leave for work I called her and told her that there was something I wanted to tell her but that I was scared she might tell someone, she assured me that she wouldn't tell anyone, I then blurted out that I was gay and I immediately started crying. she asked me how long I had known and through many tears and sobs I told her. she was very accepting, but the thing that annoyed me was that she thought that if I dated more girls then I could change, I told her that I know that I cannot change and that going on a mission and marrying a woman has not changed others and it will not change me, but I did not press my views on that subject because back in early January I still thought I could change so I will be very lucky if her views change anytime soon.
On sunday she came over to watch conference with my family and beforehand we went for a walk and talked about gay stuff. She asked me to repeat some of that things that I had told her the day before because she had not been able to understand everything I had said through all the crying.
A few days before after I was getting back from a trig test I was thinking about telling her, because a really cute guy had been sitting across from me (his presence was detrimental to my test) and I wanted someone to talk to about it. I did not end up telling her that day which was good because that day happened to be april 1st. a few days after I came out to her she told me that if I had not cried when I told her I was gay she would have thought that it was a late april fools joke.
I am much happier now that I can be completely open with her, it is so wonderful to have someone I can talk with about boys.