Saturday, April 18, 2009

I finaly talked to my older brother about it

so a few days after I came out to my best friend (lets call her Amy), my older brother (lets call him Zane) who has been going to BYU and knows I'm gay but we have never talked about it called me. when I talked to Amy on general conference sunday she advised me to talk to him about me being gay.
I never told Zane that I was gay, this is how he found out. back when I was 15 I started looking at shirtless photo's of men which unfortunately led to gay porn. Never having done something bad on the computer before I did not think to erase the history. my dad found the websites.
So one night just after I had got in bed, my dad comes in and sits on the foot of my bed and says that he found some gay porn websites on the history of the computer, he then asked if it was possibly me and that I might be homosexual. as you can imagine I became super tense the room suddenly seemed to be 100 deg and I had an endless pit in my stomach. I admitted that I had visited the websites, he then told my that he and my mom loved me and would help me get through this ect and he left my room.
so a while later when my mom was on the main floor, I went down to the basement and used Zane's computer to visit a website that had pictures of shirtless of hot male singers actors and models. so not porn but a website no straight male would go to. any way Zane found the website told my dad, who then told Zane that I was gay and it must have been me. so thats how my older brother found out. and we had never talked about it ever. so when he called me a few days after this general conference sunday I was like, "you know I'm gay right?" he answered that he knew, and so I proceeded to tell him that I had told Amy and her reaction to the news. so it was nice to finally talk to him about it for the first time.
I am sad that we have to keep my little brother in the dark about my orientation but at least the rest of my family is loving and accepting.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I came out to my friend.

so last Saturday we were going to go see Duplicity, and I was planning on telling her on our way there, but she ended up having to work that night. so an hour or two before she was going to leave for work I called her and told her that there was something I wanted to tell her but that I was scared she might tell someone, she assured me that she wouldn't tell anyone, I then blurted out that I was gay and I immediately started crying. she asked me how long I had known and through many tears and sobs I told her. she was very accepting, but the thing that annoyed me was that she thought that if I dated more girls then I could change, I told her that I know that I cannot change and that going on a mission and marrying a woman has not changed others and it will not change me, but I did not press my views on that subject because back in early January I still thought I could change so I will be very lucky if her views change anytime soon.
On sunday she came over to watch conference with my family and beforehand we went for a walk and talked about gay stuff. She asked me to repeat some of that things that I had told her the day before because she had not been able to understand everything I had said through all the crying.
A few days before after I was getting back from a trig test I was thinking about telling her, because a really cute guy had been sitting across from me (his presence was detrimental to my test) and I wanted someone to talk to about it. I did not end up telling her that day which was good because that day happened to be april 1st. a few days after I came out to her she told me that if I had not cried when I told her I was gay she would have thought that it was a late april fools joke.
I am much happier now that I can be completely open with her, it is so wonderful to have someone I can talk with about boys.

Monday, March 16, 2009

gay couples and church attendance

ok so would like to hear from gay members of the church who are in a gay marriage (or who have had a commitment ceremony) and what they do about attending church. just leave a comment.

I can't believe I am still trying to change

Since my last post, my parents and I had a discussion about my views on gay marriage, and the possibility that I might do what is natural for me, get married to a man. my mom told me that no matter what I believe that if I did get a same sex marriage that I would not feel the spirit as strongly and that when I die I would be judged for disobeying the prophet. I know my mom loves me but to be honest to hear that hurt, it also made me doubt the feelings of peace I had received when I prayed to the Lord and expressed my knowledge of gay marriage as being good.
so after this discussion I was in turmoil once again over what is right, and what is wrong. So as I always do when I am in turmoil over this subject I would try and imagine a happy relationship with a woman, and try and make myself think that I could learn to be attracted to a woman and be happy with her. After doing this for a while I said to myself "I can't believe I am still trying to change," I have been doing this for years and about a few months ago I realized that I would never change and finally accepted myself and the happiness that gay marriage can bring. but every once and a while I go back in to turmoil and I am always unhappy when that happens.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

My Aunt knows

So this week my Aunt visited us and my mom asked if she and my father could tell her I was gay when they all went out to dinner downtown, my aunt was always fine with me dressing up in dresses when I was little and she is a very accepting person, so I told my mom that she could go ahead and tell her. when they were out having dinner I was really nervous, but she took it well and when they got back she told me she was glad that I am her nephew and that god never gives us more than we can handle. She couldn't say anything else on the subject because my brother was in the house, I love being open with my parents and am sad that I cannot be open with my brother.
I have been reading some moho blogs, mostly Scot's and his wife's (they have really good insight), and I've been reading the scriptures every night, and I have also been reading "In Quiet Desperation" its about a gay mormon named Stuart who lived a celibate life and did every thing the church taught, he told his parents about his attraction and they were loving understanding and accepting. but eventually he couldn't stand to live through his struggle any longer and he shot himself in front of his stake center. the book also includes the stories of other gay mormon men who are helped by Stuart's parents. the book and the people in it are all promoting the churches stand on gay marriage, but with all their arguments for SSA as being our trial in this life, I see all the good gay mormons who are needlessly committing suicide because the struggle is too much for them. heavenly fathers wants us all to be the happiest we can be. these men are not happy, whenever I think to myself "I could be happy with a woman" there is such a conflict in my soul that makes me feel unhappy. whenever I think of falling in love with an amazing son of our heavenly father I feel an overwhelming happiness wash over me, when I question those feelings the feelings of turmoil return. I believe that heavenly father wants us to find that special someone whatever their gender may be and start a family and live happily ever after.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I decided not to tell my friend I'm Gay.

so I have decided not to tell my friend that I'm gay. the other day we were downtown and I was seriously considering telling her but I chickened out. then later that day she started telling me about this guy who is gay and used to be her friend (he turned out to be something of a back stabber, and he was mad at her for not supporting gay marriage) so she was like marriage is for heterosexuals thats what God said and that the idea of two men together was gross. so I told her that I was not sure if gay marriage was wrong, but I decided not to tell her that I'm gay.
so I just thought I'd let you know that I will be putting up a new post in response to the last 2 comments I got soon.

Friday, February 13, 2009

How should I come out to my friend

so I would like to thank Rocky Gonzolez for his comment it helped me a lot. it made me seriously consider telling my best friend that I'm gay. so yesterday I had this strong feeling that I should tell her, and while I was feeling this my parents said they were going for a walk and would be gone for about an hour. shortly after they left my brother left to hang out with his friends leaving me all alone, it was the perfect time to call my friend and tell her that I'm gay. so I laid on my bed for a while with my heart pounding and a pit growing in my stomach as I seriously considered telling her. You should know that my friend is mormon too, and is kind of conservative, she supported McCain. she's has gay friends but they are not mormon. I think she will be fine with me being gay but since I am in the church it might be different. I don't know. also I wonder what is the best way to tell her, I was thinking that I could go for a walk find a secluded place in the park and call her and tell her, or should I tell her in person, we could go downtown to the botanical gardens and I could find a place there to tell her. also should I let her know a day or two before I tell her that there is something I need to tell her, or should I tell her without any hint.
After about a year of being friends we were on the subway and out of the blue she asked me if I had any secrets. I immediately thought that she must think that I might be gay. but I kept my cool and told her I didn't have any secrets. She has never asked me if I have a secret since then, and the only thing that she has said since then that could be interpreted as her thinking that I might be gay was about 4 months ago, I was talking to her on the phone and telling her about this really awesome hair product I had just bought. She laughed and said that it was funny that I was metro-sexual (men with a strong concern for their appearance). so I would appreciate any advice on how to come out to my friend. and if there are any questions anyone has for me I would love to answer them

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My struggle.

So I am mormon gay and in the closet. as you can imagine I have a lot of conflicting feelings. I love the church and its teachings, if I don't read my scriptures I feel empty, there is no other church like it. what I want is to marry another wonderful gay mormon and raise a family. I would not have sex till I am married to that man, however the church does not recognize gay marriage as marriage. and sex outside of marriage would result in excommunication. and if I was excommunicated I would not be able to go to the temple I would lose the priesthood and I would not make it to the celestial kingdom (the highest degree of heaven) I would be denied the presence of God and I would not be able to create my own world with my spouse like heavenly father has done with our world. one would have to deny that the church was true knowing that it is true to go to outerdarkness (more commonly known as hell) a place with only your regrets for company not a place of fire and brimstone. so marrying a man and having intercourse with him would not sentence me to hell. what is so hard with my position is that I am not sure if the churches position on gay marriage is right or wrong, they've been wrong about things before, denying blacks the priesthood and the practice of polygamy. but is the churches position on gay marriage one of those mistakes? I go back and forth on that issue never sure either way. with the other beliefs of the church I have known them to be right. I know with every fiber of my being that the church is true, but I don't know that with gay marriage. sometimes I think that I will be able to get married to a woman and raise a family, I am not repulsed by the thought of being with a woman but I am not attracted to them either. I try thinking sexual thoughts about women hoping that I will be aroused, but it doesn't work like when I think about men.
Another confusing thing is when I was little even though I liked wearing dresses pretending to be a princess and playing with barbies I do remember that barbie was very attractive, I even had Ken and barbie get naked together until my parents saw what I was doing and explained that I shouldn't do that. but at puberty at about age 12 I started noticing hot guys more and more, and liked looking at them very much (discreetly of course). so sometimes I wonder if I could go through gay therapy or something and be "turned straight." but I really want to be with a man and not a woman. and then I have fears that if I come out and look for a man that I will not be able to find that handsome good gay mormon boy who has similar interests, when I think of marrying a woman I don't have those fears, I'm sure there are a million mormon women who want to learn ballroom dancing and watch Masterpiece theatre.
There are several things that I hate about being in the closet when I am telling my friends about a guy who is good looking and they ask me what he looks like I want to say "He's Hot!" but I can say nothing of the sort, also it feels weird to call a girl hot, unless its a supermodel wearing practically nothing. It feels more natural to call a beautiful woman pretty or beautiful. there are many other things that I would like to do and say that I cannot.
I have heard of a group of mormons who are gay and lesbian that meet together for church in San Francisco, but I have looked for them online and not found them. if I was to come out I would go there. Now let me clarify that I love the leaders of the church and they do not hate homosexuals. the leaders of the church I do not think have thought much about gay marriage. before I knew I was gay I did not think much about it. Practicing homosexuality even if those involved were faithful to each other was just wrong and that was it.
I have looked in the bible and conference talks and discussions with the apostles and they don't give any really good reasons for denying gays marriage. if there was a good reason for homosexuality being wrong then I would remain selabet or find a way to get married with a woman. but in the bible it says those who practice homosexuality "shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them" ( leviticus 20:13), I know that God does not want homosexuals put to death and neither do the Church leaders. and I read this interview with one of the Apostles and one of the 70, but the interviewer asked easy questions and in my opinion when asked about polygamy he did not really answer the question and he never said that polygamy was ever wrong he said that it was a duty and that now the duty has been lifted ( here's the link for that interview ).
Since I don't have anyone I can tell this to the web is my outlet, writing this has helped me so much, getting it out of my head and on paper so to speak has helped me a lot I would appreciate comments that way I know that someone knows what I am going through. thanks!