Monday, March 16, 2009

I can't believe I am still trying to change

Since my last post, my parents and I had a discussion about my views on gay marriage, and the possibility that I might do what is natural for me, get married to a man. my mom told me that no matter what I believe that if I did get a same sex marriage that I would not feel the spirit as strongly and that when I die I would be judged for disobeying the prophet. I know my mom loves me but to be honest to hear that hurt, it also made me doubt the feelings of peace I had received when I prayed to the Lord and expressed my knowledge of gay marriage as being good.
so after this discussion I was in turmoil once again over what is right, and what is wrong. So as I always do when I am in turmoil over this subject I would try and imagine a happy relationship with a woman, and try and make myself think that I could learn to be attracted to a woman and be happy with her. After doing this for a while I said to myself "I can't believe I am still trying to change," I have been doing this for years and about a few months ago I realized that I would never change and finally accepted myself and the happiness that gay marriage can bring. but every once and a while I go back in to turmoil and I am always unhappy when that happens.

1 comment:

  1. Many of our friends go through that same turmoil that you speak of. In fact, I have gone through a similar turmoil trying to reconcile my views on Prop 8 with the Church leaders' views. Just when I think I have found complete and total peace on the issue, those doubts creep in again and make me miserable!

    Hang in there and know that you are not alone. There is a reason that God has allowed us to have the church in our lives. It gets harder and harder to see it as a blessing, but on the other hand, I am so glad that I was raised to know that I am a child of God and that he loves me and hears my prayers.

    He hears your prayers and loves you, too. He knows what is in your heart and all you have to do is the very best that YOU personally can do. I do not believe that things are as black and white regarding eternal life as I used to think. I wish I had a definitive answer for you.